Worrying

Why, hello there. Please excuse my absence. I've been......pre-occuppied and haven't felt like blogging. I tend to do this when I'm worried. I retreat into myself and try not to look too frightened or tell anyone that I am. But, I realize that one thing I value in bloggers is their ability to be real from time-to-time. Can I share something scary with you? And maybe a bit more than you wanted to know about me {TMI alert, it goes without saying}.

I have lumpy breasts. I have since I started doing self-exams as an undergraduate. The first time I found one I rushed to the Women's Clinic on campus, panic-stricken. They were awesome, assured me that it was probably fibrocystic breast condition/a fibroadenoma, and scheduled me for an ultrasound the next day. The OB/GYN was awesome, professional and diagnosed me with exactly that {and a second opinion confirmed}. I was relieved.

Since then, I obsessively poke around looking for extra things that shouldn't be there {and in the process give myself bruises which worry me even more!} and worry that the doctor won't find something {if there is something to find} or not take my condition seriously. So many horror stories pop up on Google: 25 and no risk-factors, doctor brushed me off and now I have stage IV cancer, etc., and it scares the you-know-what out of me.

But {and this is the important part} my body is normal. As far as I know, I don't have anything malignant hanging out in my chest. Nothing has changed since my first ultrasound, despite my nervous digging and frantically searching WebMD for information {bad idea, I know}. I have a very common condition: 80% of lumps found are NOT malignant, and out of the women diagnosed with breast cancer, only 700 cases are to women 40 and younger {can't find that link again, but the CDC also says it's very rare in women my age}.

Yet, I'm scheduled for a mammogram today, just to make sure and get a baseline before I go galavanting overseas, away from Houston's MD Anderson's safety-net. My doctor emphasized that she was confident that everything was fine, and my own internet research has confirmed her confidence. I have ALL the symptoms of fibroadenomas. I just check them off the list, including all of the ones that usually are not found with cancer. But, I worry. And boy, have I worried. I've been poking around more, using google more, searching statistics more. It's maddening.

I know I'm scaring myself. But, I'm still ridiculously nervous.

Good thoughts and vibes are appreciated, y'all.